shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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