somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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