I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
