i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
