he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
