Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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