If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
