I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
