Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
