Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
