omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
