Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
