Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
