i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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