I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
