Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
