Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
