My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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