I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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