Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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