I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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