Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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