We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
