So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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