Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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