id be glad to
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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