dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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