i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
