yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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