Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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