I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
