morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
