my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
