Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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