Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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