i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
