God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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