Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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