My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
