I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
