Don't make out with my wife yet
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
