One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
