it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
