Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
