He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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