Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I need to calm my uterus...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
