toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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