last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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