the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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