I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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