What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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