Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
