I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
