Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
