someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
