I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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