I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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