It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
