my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
