On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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