before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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