i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
