her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
